Child out of wedlock, my moment for difference.

“Me n my 2yr old daughter looking for a place just
to sleep & bath. will only occupied ard 8pm-6am Mon-Fri. not necessary to be fully furnished as long there’s bed/mattress & fan” – online ad by a single mother looking for an apartment.

“Four year jail for single mother who robbed, is it a harsh penalty?” – online article.

“Can children thrive without a father figure?” – online article.

“Make sure your children – especially boys – have positive and consistent male role models (such as your partner; a grandparent, godparent, close family friend or teacher” – online article.

Reading all these just makes me realize how lucky it feels to be breathing and standing where i am right now. Thousands, perhaps millions of children probably gets aborted each year and i could have been one of them and while having escape from that harsh reality, the most horrid thing that ever happened to me was just given away at birth by my real mother which today, when i think about it, was perhaps the first gift or the best start for a chance to have something close to a normal life cause if that didn’t happen, i wouldn’t be who i am today and i wouldn’t have known and love the 3 single people in my life who took me back from that family, put a roof above my head and raised me.

Of course, no matter how beautiful a paradise may seem, nothing lasts forever and it doesn’t take much to change that to a land of struggling hope. Growing up wasn’t easy and when everyone had a last name, i didn’t. I made up an excuse every time someone asked me why i didn’t have a surname or what my surname was and when everyone had a father, i didn’t. I don’t even know how he looks like, though i’m pretty sure he’s black since my real mother is fair.

My grandfather who is a father figure to me fell very ill when i was very young. He barely speaks or recognizes me now cause of his condition. The only memories i have of him now are of how i would cheat on a game of checkers with him and boy, he’ll get so pissed, he would just stop playing with me. Haha, oh and there are a few games of blackjacks as well. In fact, he was the one who thought me how to write my name on this book that i had about some horse i think, i can barely remember the book.

Speaking of books .. i still owe National Library a book titled “Life of a potato”. I swear i’m not making this up, i got a letter from them asking me to return the book which was borrowed like centuries ago and i meant centuries ago cause like the borrowed date, dates all the way back to god knows when and you know what the best part is? i have no memory of ever borrowing this book which is expected i guess since i was really young.

Its amazing that i don’t remember that but somehow or  rather i have some memory of times i lied whenever  someone asked “how come your sister is so much older  than you?” or made a joke just to throw people off or  manipulate the seriousness of that question. I could  never tell the truth that my sister is really my aunt.  Even till today, i still think of her as my blessed sister.

My grandmother, where do i begin? there aren’t any  words to describe how selfless you are. you always put  others before you and you have always put my needs  above yours and even though i don’t open up to you  and may appear all hard and tough on the outside, you  were clearly the person that i learned alot from. Without you, i wouldn’t have learned compassion and making sacrifices no matter how painful they are for someone just so they would be happy.

I still remember till today of how proudly you told me the story of this random strange man who came up to you and looked at me, a mere baby and he said that this boy will grow up to be someone someday. someone huge, someone famous. Just knowing that made me feel important, it gave me a drive to my passion in things i cared about and it also gave me a drive to treat people that mattered, important.

Maybe when i said that i live to write something that changes one’s life, maybe i was just trying to change mine as well.

Writing it all down so i’ll remember what i went through in hope that if others read it they wouldn’t make the same mistake as i did. Analyzing the events in my head and thinking about it so i could help others so they won’t feel what i felt.

Well, mother. father. despite your absence. I’m still okay.

I am here today breathing cause of 3 single people, i may not be perfect or turn out how you wanted me to be, i may have made alot of mistakes but i want you to know that someday, i’ll make it up for everything. I’ll be your biggest pride and no matter how beautiful a paradise may seem and even though nothing lasts forever and it doesn’t take much to change it to a land of struggling hope, i’ll let you know that it was because of you, there was even hope to begin with.

Thank you for saving me from becoming history, I hope every child out of wedlock or those who have no parents be blessed like how i was.

A constant battlefield.

I haven’t been the same since it all began. I pretend to be happy only because i’m tired of accepting and dealing with a reality that im still denying. I pretend to be happy because i don’t want to burden anyone with what’s going on in my mind and how i’m feeling inside. I sleep my days away so i don’t have much time being awake to think about what happened.

I sleep in my dad’s room to feel closer to him. I’m losing my mind and i don’t really know what to do to stop. I feel alone.

I’m afraid to talk about it. I don’t want to deal with it even though i know very well that the only way i can get over this is by facing it. I haven’t been in a peaceful state of mind and i’m starting to forget how that feels like. I’m tired of staying strong. Always. Can i, for once, just simply give up? – There’s so much on my mind. I wanna stop thinking for once.

Dear you, a human’s life has both, a beginning and a ending and its what we do in between that start and that end, that people around you will adore/love/care/respect you for and when the time comes, you will be led to your end and this will be the part where the ones that you have made an impact on, the ones that you leave behind will remember and cry for you for as long as they live.

The Unspoken

Its extremely painful to watch you lying on that bed & to be reminded that i don’t have much time left with you.

I still turn my head and look into your room as if you’re there everytime i walk to the kitchen.

The doctors said there’s nothing that they can do anymore. Somehow, it feels like that’s just their way of saying that he doesn’t have much time left.

You stopped responding to medication. There’s so much water and flem in your body, your fever isn’t going away. your body organs are in the worst of conditions. you’re not getting any better. you’re in constant pain. you lost your sense of communications. we aren’t even given the privilege to comfort you. you’re breathing painfully through a oxygen tube.

I thought that after getting both your legs amputated, things will go back to its horrible self again but it never did. As days passed by, it just looked like it was never gonna happen again. Now? we know for sure, it will not happen.

You lost all sense to know whats going on around you. you open your eyes in pain but you don’t see us. thanks to your poor blood circulation, you don’t even know we’re there even when we hold you and call you.

I’m scared for you, for me, for everyone that cares about you. I am scared for what’s about to come. I’m afraid and i don’t know how to deal with it.

you know what im missing right now? how you would get happy about certain things and smile in excitement. i miss that the most about you.