Kathleen Bodestyne vs The Correlation Method.

Okay basically, i was watching this movie called ‘Arachnophobia’ and there was this scene about this guy explaining a brain neurotransmitter called ‘GABA’ (Gamma-Aminobutyric Acid) and this was the MSN conversation i had with kat. Bear in mind, i’ve been annoying her with something we learned in class for weeks now. Introducing, the correlation method!

Rudy says:
omg
Kat says:
but marks are minused everyday
Rudy says:
part 9 of the movie
Kat says:
i cant have that
Rudy says:
the guy said
“kris im scared to death”
Kat says:
ah huh
Rudy says:
“we all are but our brain secretes a neurotransmitter that enables us to deal with it”
hahaha
isnt that
GABA!
?!
Kat says:
ok…thats it!
Rudy says:
hahahah
Kat says:
if its not gaba its correlation
Rudy says:
hahah its not correlation
correlation is a study of 2 variables
Kat says:
bye rudy
Rudy says:
HAHAHAHAH
hahahahahahahah
i gotta blog this
i swear
annoying you with correlation is getting more fun by the week.

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Dear father, If only you knew what happened that day, you would know that i love you.

Paralyzed with sadness, i remember looking out the window gazing at every movement made within my vision. The leaves were dancing, people were walking and the birds were flying. Mesmerized by this state of awareness, i remember hearing birds chirping and the rushed footsteps made by people passing by. Only then it registered in my head that it was going to rain soon. i looked up at the blue sky that was turning dark by the second and as tears rolled down my face, i was quickly snapped and brought back to reality. All that was left in my mind was the phonecall i received earlier on from my sister. “Boy, dad has passed away”.

I knew i needed to get down to the hospital where my father was as quickly as possible. I just needed to see him again, i needed to believe it with my own eyes. Call it “denying reality” if you will. I just didn’t want to believe that i’ll never get to see him smile ever again. I shut the window and grabbed my house keys. As i walked to the front door, i couldn’t help but to turn my head and look into my dad’s bedroom. At this point, my sense of missing him grew uncontrollably in a instant. Memories of him were playing like a movie in my head and they all led to tragic conclusion of awareness that all these will be nothing more than just memories from now on.

I left my house, paced as fast as i could completely forgeting that it was gonna rain soon. With no umbrella in hand and feeling cold by the strong wind that was blowing, i stood by the side of the road hoping to flag a taxi cab; the quickest means of transportation that i knew of and within 15 minutes i arrived at the hospital where my father, a patient of liver failure, laid.

While standing outside his room, the sound of my heartbeat was all i could hear. I felt like my entire surrounding was in mute. I knew the moment that i was not ready for, is here. Do you know how it feels like to stand behind a door knowing that when you open that door, you are going to walk into a room whereby you are going to stand there and watch the one you love lay breathless before you?.

With all the strength left in me, i turned the knob and entered the room and there he was laying peacefully next to my mom and my sister. That day, i lost a father and also a part of myself.


In my defense, my story was awesome okay.

Rudy Rudy Rudy: haha. are you sleeping?
Priscilla: On my bed alr!!
Rudy Rudy Rudy: Haha. Okay. Shall i tell you a bed time story?
Priscilla: No you’ll cause a nightmare!
Rudy Rudy Rudy: Hey im a excellent story teller okay. haha. please please? ill tell you one over text msg.
Priscilla: K!
Rudy Rudy Rudy: Okay are you under your blanket?
Priscilla: Yeap
Rudy Rudy Rudy: Okay. Once upon a time …
Priscilla: Nice…
Rudy Rudy Rudy: (Are you asleep yet…?)


Child out of wedlock, my moment for difference.

“Me n my 2yr old daughter looking for a place just
to sleep & bath. will only occupied ard 8pm-6am Mon-Fri. not necessary to be fully furnished as long there’s bed/mattress & fan”
online ad by a single mother looking for an apartment.

“Four year jail for single mother who robbed, is it a harsh penalty?”online article.

“Can children thrive without a father figure?”online article.

“Make sure your children – especially boys – have positive and consistent male role models (such as your partner; a grandparent, godparent, close family friend or teacher”online article.

Reading all these just makes me realize how lucky it feels to be breathing and standing where i am right now. Thousands, perhaps millions of children probably gets aborted each year and i could have been one of them and while having escape from that harsh reality, the most horrid thing that ever happened to me was just given away at birth by my real mother which today, when i think about it, was perhaps the first gift or the best start for a chance to have something close to a normal life cause if that didn’t happen, i wouldn’t be who i am today and i wouldn’t have known and love the 3 single people in my life who took me back from that family, put a roof above my head and raised me.

Of course, no matter how beautiful a paradise may seem, nothing lasts forever and it doesn’t take much to change that to a land of struggling hope. Growing up wasn’t easy and when everyone had a last name, i didn’t. I made up an excuse every time someone asked me why i didn’t have a surname or what my surname was and when everyone had a father, i didn’t. I don’t even know how he looks like, though i’m pretty sure he’s black since my real mother is fair.

My grandfather who is a father figure to me fell very ill when i was very young. He barely speaks or recognizes me now cause of his condition. The only memories i have of him now are of how i would cheat on a game of checkers with him and boy, he’ll get so pissed, he would just stop playing with me. Haha, oh and there are a few games of blackjacks as well. In fact, he was the one who thought me how to write my name on this book that i had about some horse i think, i can barely remember the book.

Speaking of books .. i still owe National Library a book titled “Life of a potato”. I swear i’m not making this up, i got a letter from them asking me to return the book which was borrowed like centuries ago and i meant centuries ago cause like the borrowed date, dates all the way back to god knows when and you know what the best part is? i have no memory of ever borrowing this book which is expected i guess since i was really young.

Its amazing that i don’t remember that but somehow or  rather i have some memory of times i lied whenever  someone asked “how come your sister is so much older  than you?” or made a joke just to throw people off or  manipulate the seriousness of that question. I could  never tell the truth that my sister is really my aunt.  Even till today, i still think of her as my blessed sister.

My grandmother, where do i begin? there aren’t any  words to describe how selfless you are. you always put  others before you and you have always put my needs  above yours and even though i don’t open up to you  and may appear all hard and tough on the outside, you  were clearly the person that i learned alot from. Without you, i wouldn’t have learned compassion and making sacrifices no matter how painful they are for someone just so they would be happy.

I still remember till today of how proudly you told me the story of this random strange man who came up to you and looked at me, a mere baby and he said that this boy will grow up to be someone someday. someone huge, someone famous. Just knowing that made me feel important, it gave me a drive to my passion in things i cared about and it also gave me a drive to treat people that mattered, important.

Maybe when i said that i live to write something that changes one’s life, maybe i was just trying to change mine as well.

Writing it all down so i’ll remember what i went through in hope that if others read it they wouldn’t make the same mistake as i did. Analyzing the events in my head and thinking about it so i could help others so they won’t feel what i felt.

Well, mother. father. despite your absence. I’m still okay.

I am here today breathing cause of 3 single people, i may not be perfect or turn out how you wanted me to be, i may have made alot of mistakes but i want you to know that someday, i’ll make it up for everything. I’ll be your biggest pride and no matter how beautiful a paradise may seem and even though nothing lasts forever and it doesn’t take much to change it to a land of struggling hope, i’ll let you know that it was because of you, there was even hope to begin with.

Thank you for saving me from becoming history, I hope every child out of wedlock or those who have no parents be blessed like how i was.


A constant battlefield.

I haven’t been the same since it all began. I pretend to be happy only because i’m tired of accepting and dealing with a reality that im still denying. I pretend to be happy because i don’t want to burden anyone with what’s going on in my mind and how i’m feeling inside. I sleep my days away so i don’t have much time being awake to think about what happened.

I sleep in my dad’s room to feel closer to him. I’m losing my mind and i don’t really know what to do to stop. I feel alone.

I’m afraid to talk about it. I don’t want to deal with it even though i know very well that the only way i can get over this is by facing it. I haven’t been in a peaceful state of mind and i’m starting to forget how that feels like. I’m tired of staying strong. Always. Can i, for once, just simply give up? – There’s so much on my mind. I wanna stop thinking for once.

Dear you, a human’s life has both, a beginning and a ending and its what we do in between that start and that end, that people around you will adore/love/care/respect you for and when the time comes, you will be led to your end and this will be the part where the ones that you have made an impact on, the ones that you leave behind will remember and cry for you for as long as they live.


Rudy vs Louiza aka “The Confuse-er!” vs “The Don’t Like to Confuse People-er!”

Rudy says:
do you know why bunnies hop?
Louiza Starr says:
why
Rudy says:
cause someone thought that if they walked on 2 legs, it would be weird
now we just gotta find that ‘someone’
Louiza says:
hahahahhaa
i’ll be that someone for u
Rudy says:
no, you’re not godly enough
haha
even though you go to church more than my mom does
Louiza says:
hahahaa
FINEE
but i wanna be that someone
i dont care
i am that someone
Rudy says:
you cant self proclaim yourself like that. its frowned upon
its not something that
‘someone’ does
if ‘someone’ does something like that then it would be wrong for that ‘someone’ to be a ‘someone’ cause ‘someone’ wouldn’t do something like that
Louiza says:
oh
you’re so smart arent u
haha
Rudy says:
wait why?
Louiza says:
in one sentence, u made me doubt my ability to understand the word “someone”


The Unspoken

Its extremely painful to watch you lying on that bed & to be reminded that i don’t have much time left with you.