It’s quiet in here, it was as if time itself has decided to stop for abit. Alone at home, i am right now, right here and it’s been a long time since mom actually stayed or been at home and i guess ive gotten used to being and living alone.
I’ve got her routine all imprinted in my head and the timing that she leaves and comes back home all figured out and carefully foreseen so i could jail myself in my room which would in-return limit the contact that i have with her. It’s not that i hate her or anything, its just.. well. we just function that way. Not so much on the communication but that silent bond will always be there. For she was the one, who chose the role of a mother, to be my mother, in the absence of my biological mother who readily gave me up and disappeared.
I don’t blame her though for not being home. There was a point of time i hated coming back home. It was when dad died. I know she’s still isn’t okay. i’m watching her downfall as we speak. Her downfall is sealed for she has already accepted the person she is now. Bitter and slowly losing grip on what she use to have.
Death is always around but why does it seem like its too much for one to take when it actually happens. Is it because he was the only father figure that i had? – is that why it tears me apart even till today? (besides being fond of him). I anticipated for the worse to come weeks before he passed away, knowing that ill be strong but when it happened, i was weak and defenseless. i was merely a child who foolishly underestimated the power of someone disappearing before you and becoming nothing more than just a memory.
So do i still remember how his voice sounds like? – Yes, i do. In fact, if i stayed extremely silent and block all thats in my mind right now. i can still remember how his laughter would sound like.
Perhaps, its the regrets that i have on how i acted towards him at certain times back then that kills me inside when i think about him. I was terribly immature and a walking timebomb back then. Destructive, i was – because i knew from a early age that i wasnt normal like the other kids around me. High sense of awareness began at an early age.
“Oh that boy is smart” – they would say and i would smile politely thanking them for the compliment with that boyish unsure smile while my mind starts wondering if it was indeed a curse instead, knowing what i shouldnt at that age for it did made me feel.. “funny”.. inside.
1, 2, 3.. no wait. 1, 2. yea. 2. that’s the amount of people left in my world whom are family. 2. im only 24 years of age and i have only 2 people left?. Great. Mom doesnt look good these days too. If, god forbid, “it” happens .. i’m left with 1 and that would be my sis. I wonder what kinda changes i would go through then.
God, If i build any more brick walls than what i already have in my heart .. those bricks would turn into steel for sure. If you asked, i would say i’m okay because i have other choice but to be okay. There isn’t any turning back to this. This is what it is for me. There really isn’t any turning back to this. This is what i was suppose to go through. I guess i would have been alot worse if no one gave me a chance the minute i took my first breath. Then again, sometimes i question if i should have even taken that first breath in the first place.